i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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