I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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