A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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