WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
