I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
