New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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