Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
