i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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