OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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