I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
