Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
high people should be assigned attendants
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
