People in love make me want to vomit
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
