Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
