my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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