is wine microwaveable?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
