I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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