The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
