the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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