I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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