"it" just moved
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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