I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
