I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
