After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize