I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
