u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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