I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Randomize
