Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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