I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
