Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He felt like a one man threesome
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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