Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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