3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
