Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
