i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
