shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
