if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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