see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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