I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
