Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
