I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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