She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
