"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
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