Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
