Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
