I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
