She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
