DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize