Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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