homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
