did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
