If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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