My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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