I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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