I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Randomize
