so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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