You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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