My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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