I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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