Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
