I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
