I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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