There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
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