Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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